33-year-old Sandrama Lamy was charged with sexual assault and breach of the peace this week after getting naughty in jolly ol’ St. Nick’s lap at a mall in Danbury, Connecticut. The unidentified mall Santa claims he was embarrassed by the whole incident. But I say Santa was asking for it!

There’s nothing remotely wholesome about a grown woman sitting on Santa’s lap in the first place. We all know exactly what these little pole-teases are up to, often giving Santa a suggestive peck on the cheek. And I sure as hell wouldn’t want my (hypothetical) kid sitting on Santa’s lap after some woman points Santa’s pole to true North. Ask yourself would it acceptable for a grown man to sit on Santa’s lap let alone give him a kiss – HELL NO! So Santa please stop encouraging these bad girls.

Side note: Today’s the last day of the Xmas contest! If no one saves Santa not only will Christmas be officially canceled but there’ll be no charity donation.