donkey punch

If the title hasn’t already scared you away, then you’re probably a perv. For the rest of you, Donkey Punch is a sexual urban legend. Basically you punch your partner in the back of the head during anal sex (knocking them unconscious) and their sphincter locks up tighter than Fort Knox, which feels great for puncher (not so much for the punchee). Of course, you’d have to be high to actually attempt this and sure enough that’s just what happens.

After meeting some guys at a bar, Tammi reluctantly joins her two more outgoing friends (i.e. they go all way) on their yacht. Where the boys regale them with tales of various sexual practices like scat, mushroom stamps, and of course the donkey punch. One quick toke later and the girls are engage in a high seas orgy, well everyone except Tammi and Sean (he’s the sensitive one).

Helpful hint: If a guy touting the benefits of sexual assault offers you drugs – JUST SAY NO!!!

Lisa learns this the hard way. While Josh’s dinghy runs aground his buddy records it and eggs him on, telling him to “do it!” “Do it!” “DOOO IT!!!” So he does it, and down she goes – for good (they don’t call it ‘the little death’ for nuthin’). Naturally the guys decide to cover it but instead of getting rid of the witnesses as one might expect they attempt to reason with the girls to keep their mouths shut, arguing it’s best for everyone – even the dead girl!

Frat boy logic: “You don’t want her parents to know she was a slut do ya?”

Tammi & Sean try to keep their friends under control but inevitably tempers flare. At this point you’d think they’d realize the girls aren’t gonna keep quiet but they figure so long as they destroy the incriminating video tape, it’s the girls’ word against theirs.

The rest of the movie is an utterly unsatisfying cat and mouse game. The girls try to escape. Someone dies in the process. The girls get locked up again. And repeat. There’s no urgency. Despite death all around them, both sides remain thoroughly convinced that the video tape is the key as though nobody’s ever been convicted without video of their crime. Much like the rest of the movie, it’s just unconvincing. Amazingly the trailer (video right) shows all the death scenes except one and that should tell you something, namely there’s not a whole lot here other than that one titular scene. And more importantly, we never learn did it work? (I smell a sequel)