We all deal with loss in our own way. Some soldier on. Some cry. And some have rape orgies.

This month’s Final Crisis Revelations #1 opens with Doctor Light celebrating like only Doctor like can - raping the Teen Titans!

Of course they’re not the real Teen Titans, just some poor schlubs who’ll never cosplay again. Fortunately for them the Spectre appears just in time to dispense his unique brand of justice: melting Doctor Light’s body and transforming him into a candle save for his head which he ignites before literally snuffing out Light.

He may have deserved it but what a waste!

Just when Doctor Light was starting to become a major villain again, having recently recovered his mental faculties and powers after losing them thanks to a magical lobotomy courtesy of the Justice League, he dies? He’s already shown that he can go toe-to-toe with the big boys as when he took on both current and former Teen Titans simultaneously. But he never even had a chance to confront Zatanna directly, which would’ve been interesting had he done it while her and Batman were getting close.

Better yet, why not have Doctor Light discover Superman’s identity and rape Lois as revenge for letting the League mind-wipe him. We all know how even Big Blue can lose his cool when someone goes after his family and that would definitely do it. And having Supes murder Light would make for even more compelling reading than when Wonder Woman murdered Max Lord as he doesn’t have the same ability to rationalize. Instead the proverbial boy scout would probably give up superheroing altogether.

But this isn’t the fist time Doctor Light’s died so don’t throw out those chastity belts just yet ladies!

Luckily that’s what sequels are for!

School Rumble Z continues the zaniness that is 2-C with a parody of the classic anime Cat’s Eye. It’s set in feudal Japan and casts Tenma, Yakumo, and Akira as the outlaws known as Kyattsu Ai (Cat’s Eye) who much like Robin Hood steal from the rich (i.e. Eri) and give to the poor.

As you might guess Tenma isn’t exactly stealthy, but she’s got a secret weapon even she doesn’t know about, no not Onee-chan power - Harima of course! He’s been hired to take down the theives but just can’t seem to bring himself to do it, no matter how hard they make it on him.

While this first chapter didn’t really resolve anything, it’s good to know there’s still hope for a real ending. You can download School Rumble Z (translated by ZOMGScans) now or wait for Townsocks to release it if your a stickler for quality.

He’s the creator of Afuganisu-Tan, a “historical” comic that chronicles the turbulent past of Afghanistan through disarmingly cute characters each of which represent a country. Afghanistan is portrayed as a poor pitiable child, while America is depicted an arrogant bully who coerces the rest of the world into the global war on terror.

As if this revisionist history wasn’t skewed enough, Osama Bin Laden is drawn as a frisky cat who playfully bites America on the hand (picture right). The gross caricature of America then indiscriminately attacks Afghanistan, and only after America leaves is there a miraculous peace between Afghanistan and its neighbors.

I wonder how the author would react if someone drew a comic where a sweet little birdie named America took a dump on a stereotypical looking Japanese man to represent the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki during WWII.

If you want to read Afuganisu-Tan in its entirety (around 30 pages) you can download it via bittorrent or sign-up at Hanashi and download it directly.

Boy was I disappointed.  Reading this was painful. It’s kinda like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but instead of vampires, goth girl Cassie Hack hunts undead being known as Slashers (hack/slash get it?). And this time around, Cassie must bare it all in order to draw out Diaboliq, a slasher & self-styled anarchist, who thinks that the women of the web have distracted him from his grand cause (naturally they all gotta die).

Now I’ll admit I wasn’t reading this for scares, which is good cause there were none, but you’d think a slasher story with pornstars would A.) be hot & B.) be funny. It wasn’t. I’m reminded of one scene in which Cassie’s dim-witted sidekick Vlad attempts to summarize the movie Bikini Carwash for her, “Hur. And then they install a two-way mirror in the training room. Hur. Boobies and funny hijinks” To which Cassie replies, “That’s it? That doesn’t sound very funny.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Apparently no one ever taught writer Tim Seeley - SHOW, DON’T TELL! Rather than see said “boobies” & “hijinks” the characters fequently recount events (hilarity does not ensue). For instance, one the Suicide Girls explains how a rubber “object” saves her from electrocution. It could’ve been a hilariously hot scene, instead Seeley counterintuitively leaves it up to the reader to imagine it.

For a slasher story it’s severely lacking in cleavage (both kinds). And while there are nudes of Cassie, they’re only thumbnails. If you wanna see the full-sized pictures you’ll have to sign up for Suicide Girls (5 bucks a month) and then head on over to Cassie’s profile. In other words it’s basically one big advertisement.

It doesn’t take the world’s greatest detective to realize The Dark Knight killed the Joker.

Instead of the Joker we get John Wayne Gacy with henchmen. Where’s the acid-spewing flower, the electrocuting joy buzzer, the prank gun that shoots out a flag… WHERE’S THE JOKES? Joker without the jokes is like Penguin without the birds or Riddler without the riddles.

The real travesty here isn’t the lack of gimmicks, it’s the lack of style. Above all the Joker is a showman, or at least he’s supposed to be. But instead of a spry, whimsical, criminal-artiste, we get a lip-smacking, slouching, “mad dog.”

And as for the so-called darkness of this Joker-wannabe, read the comics. Joker has mutilated people, murdered kid sidekicks, he’s even pushed a poor defenseless monkey off a cliff… OK it was Gorilla Grodd but you get the idea. The scariest thing about the Joker is that his outrageousness belies his deadliness. A great example is the new Joker’s Asylum: Joker comic, in which the Joker takes over a quiz show and tells the contestants he’ll kill them if they get the answers wrong, but he doesn’t. It’s that unpredictablity that makes the Joker scary.

“Why so serious?” That’s what I’d like to know.

But what if that these life altering moments had been orchestrated with just that in mind? That’s the premise of Image Comics’ newest title.

It begins when our pitiable heroes discover their real secret origin: The Omniveritas™, a clairvoyant supercomputer that killed their parents in order to turn them into superheroes. Its inventor tries to justify his actions, but they don’t buy it and summarily throw him into the sun. But unbeknownst to our heroes, the Omniveritas™ is still operational and foresees impending doom. Its solution: Kill All Parents!

Not surprisingly, Kill All Parents! is very tongue-in-cheek. It’s populated with parodies of characters from both Marvel and DC, like Tomorrow Man an emotionally-disturbed version of Superman who suffers from “episodes” (throwing villains into the sun for instance). There’s lots neat Easter egg-ish stuff like fictitious “see issue #” notes and counter-productive military base signs that read “top secret research lab” which you might not notice on your first read. If you read one comic this month, make it this one (or the Omniveritas™ will kill your parents)!

I think it all started with Quicksilver feening over the Terrigen Mists. Sure they may have been more mystical than pharmaceutical, but the affect was same. Quicksilver became dark & brooding, even his gaunt appearance resembled that of a junkie. Then in Uncanny X-men #490 Marvel introduced us to Mutant Growth Hormone (MGH), a drug that gives/enhances superpowers. However, its existence seemed of little consequence as M-Day, which had depowered mutants around the world, had done the same to the drug.

But Marvel wasn’t about to let it end there. Amazing Spider Spider-Man #552 gave us the world’s first supervillain to get his powers from crystal meth (well he thought it was meth anyway). And even Spidey was bugging out when he walked in on this Freak getting high (linkage).

In Ultimate X-Men #94 Marvel they revealed Colossus’ (other) secret - his strength is a result of MGH! Colussus explained, “Just because I turn to steel doesn’t make me super-strong,” and that without it just moving would be difficult. Now that’s just gay. Your superpower shouldn’t be a hindrance to your own body. I mean Cyclops doesn’t vaporize his eyelids when he shoots laser beams outta his eyes. Homo-Superior my ass.

Of course like an After School Special Jean gives Colossus an ultimatum, stop doping or be expelled from the institute. But then the unthinkable happens: half of the X-Men (Nightcrawler, Rouge, Angel, and Dazzler) side with Colossus and start taking MGH! I guess they’ll have to change their name to the RX-Men.

Muslim audience? The anime series is 7 years old! And the protests began only after it was posted youtube. So either Muslims weren’t buying it or didn’t have a problem with it.

And they shouldn’t have a problem with it. Why can’t a Muslim be portrayed as a bad guy? Like it’s such a stretch (zing). Had these fanatics actually watched the series, they’d know that the villain couldn’t be less Muslim - he’s a British vampire!

In fact the book in question, which is never named, wasn’t intended to represent the Koran. The non-Arabic speaking staff unknowingly inserted passages from the Koran in order to fit the Egyptian setting. Nevertheless, Sheikh Abdul Hamid Attrash, chairman of the Fatwa Committee at Al-Azhar, declared “This is an insult to the religion and the producers would be considered to be enemies of Islam.”

It’s the Superman Kiddie ride! You literally mount Superman from the rear, and ride him as he rocks his buns of steel back & forth. Only in its heyday (circa 1950) could this monstrosity not have been considered gay, cause as we all know, gay people didn’t exist before 1977 (Village People).

If you’re the kinky type or maybe you just wanna traumatize your kids, you’re S.O.L. BarsandBooths.com sold it to Tom Cuise (I’m guessing), but you can see more disturbing pictures here: i’m a link - click me.

In Secret Invasion #1 Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada revealed the Marvel Universe has been inundated with Skrull sleeper agents ever since the Secret War miniseries (Feb. 04). Now according to the mastermind behind this deception writer Brian Michael Bendis, he “doesn’t retcon” (see interview below). But this changes everything!

The most glaring example is that Iron Man’s butler Jarvis, who had been romantically linked with Aunt May, appears to be a Skrull. Meaning it’s possible Aunt May is pregnant with a Skrull baby! Naysayers will argue that she’d be showing by now if she were, but who really knows the incubation period of Skrulls?

Of course even if she had been, Mephisto’s demonic retcon probably erased this baby just like it did Peter Parker’s & Mary Jane’s baby (see Spider-Man #545). Speaking of which, Mephisto may have actually done something good! Think about it, surely the Devil wouldn’t be fooled by an alien shape-shifter. Therefore we know Spidey’s the real McCoy. And considering Peter’s history with impostors (see Clone Saga) that’s a relief.

More importantly, we know Nick Fury isn’t a Skrull. Otherwise the Skrulls wouldn’t be looking for him, now would they (see Secret Invasion Prologue). Besides Fury is like a government-issue Watcher he sees everything, which is ironic his he’s only got one good eye. No doubt he knew about the Skrull invasion back in Secret War and that’s the real reason he went into hiding. In other words, he’s been preparing for this for years - so expect a grand entrance when he returns!