After meeting some guys at a bar, Tammi reluctantly joins her two more outgoing friends (i.e. they go all way) on their yacht. Where the boys regale them with tales of various sexual practices like scat, mushroom stamps, and of course the donkey punch. One quick toke later and the girls are engage in a high seas orgy, well everyone except Tammi and Sean (he’s the sensitive one).

Helpful hint: If a guy touting the benefits of sexual assault offers you drugs - JUST SAY NO!!!

Lisa learns this the hard way. While Josh’s dinghy runs aground his buddy records it and eggs him on, telling him to “do it!” “Do it!” “DOOO IT!!!” So he does it, and down she goes - for good (they don’t call it ‘the little death’ of nuthin’). Naturally the guys decide to cover it but instead of getting rid of the witnesses as one might expect they attempt to reason with the girls to keep their mouths shut, arguing it’s best for everyone - even the dead girl!

Frat boy logic: “You don’t want her parents to know she was a slut do ya?”

Tammi & Sean try to keep their friends under control but inevitably tempers flare. At this point you’d think they’d realize the girls aren’t gonna keep quiet but they figure so long as they destroy the incriminating video tape, it’s the girls’ word against theirs.

The rest of the movie is a utterly unsatisfying cat and mouse game. The girls try to escape. Someone dies in the process. The girls get locked up again. And repeat. There’s no urgency. Despite death all around them, both sides remain thoroughly convinced that the video tape is the key as though nobody’s ever been convicted without video of their crime. Much like the rest of the movie, it’s just unconvincing. Amazingly the trailer (video right) shows all the death scenes except one and that should tell you something, namely there’s not a whole lot here other than that one titular scene. And more importantly, we never learn did it work? (I smell a sequel)

It doesn’t take the world’s greatest detective to realize The Dark Knight killed the Joker.

Instead of the Joker we get John Wayne Gacy with henchmen. Where’s the acid-spewing flower, the electrocuting joy buzzer, the prank gun that shoots out a flag… WHERE’S THE JOKES? Joker without the jokes is like Penguin without the birds or Riddler without the riddles.

The real travesty here isn’t the lack of gimmicks, it’s the lack of style. Above all the Joker is a showman, or at least he’s supposed to be. But instead of a spry, whimsical, criminal-artiste, we get a lip-smacking, slouching, “mad dog.”

And as for the so-called darkness of this Joker-wannabe, read the comics. Joker has mutilated people, murdered kid sidekicks, he’s even pushed a poor defenseless monkey off a cliff… OK it was Gorilla Grodd but you get the idea. The scariest thing about the Joker is that his outrageousness belies his deadliness. A great example is the new Joker’s Asylum: Joker comic, in which the Joker takes over a quiz show and tells the contestants he’ll kill them if they get the answers wrong, but he doesn’t. It’s that unpredictablity that makes the Joker scary.

“Why so serious?” That’s what I’d like to know.

When Ryota’s brother is lost at sea, he begs anyone who’ll listen to him for help but his pleas fall on deaf ears. It’s not long before Ryota realizes he’s own and he’ll have to take matters into his own hands.

So Ryota nonchalantly hijacks a boat only to discover the supposed owner is in fact a thief. And just as his unwilling passengers begin to contemplate mutiny, an ominous storm brews of their bow and a giant claw emerges from the water & knocks them from their ship. Now depsite (or maybe because of) the extreme close-ups & signature models used in Godzilla movies this scene runs rings around modern cg storms. It’s surreal. Everything’s just so slow, so suspenseful. Not like today, where scary = a darkly-lit screen + an unidentifiable thing running around (looking at you Cloverfield).

As day breaks the men awaken to find themselves on a strange island where an organization known as Red Bamboo has been enslaving the inhabitants of Infant Island otherwise known as home of everyone’s favorite bug - Mothra!

But don’t count on Mothra to swoop to the rescue, he’s sleeping as usual and he’s not the only one. Ryota and his friends find an unconscious Godzilla buried beneath a mountain of rumble. With few options open to them, they decide to wake up the sleeping giant in hopes that he’ll take care of the sea monster - Ebirah! So it’s a pretty big let down when Godzilla decides to a nap right after they wake him up!

Eventually the big guy does kick some butt, but surprisingly what’s supposed to be the main event: Godzilla Vs. Ebirah, which looks like a virtual volleyball match at one point with them tossing a bolder back and forth, is upstaged by what is usually only a footnote in Godzilla battles. I’m talking of course about the inevitable airplane attacks. Not only is the fight sequence straight outta King Kong, Godzilla can clearly be seen dancing to the surf music soundtrack that he shouldn’t be able to hear…

Holy shit! Godzilla is so strong he can even break the 4th wall.

Godzilla Versus The Sea Monster is perhaps most memorable for what’s not in it: King Kong. It was originally called Operation Robinson Crusoe: King Kong vs. Ebirah but when the Americans pulled out it was rewritten with Godzilla as the star, which explains scenes like Godzilla going ape over one of the islanders.

Despite the aforementioned monster snoozefest the story’s pretty solid (even if a little lacking in character development) and seeing Godzilla dance, well that alone makes this worth watching. As always I’ve included the best scenes in an original trailer (above).

Random Factoids:

• Ebi is Japanese for shrimp, so Ebirah is quite literally a jumbo shrimp.
• The blast radius of a Nuclear explosion ends at the shore’s edge, regardless of the size of the island or explosion.
• Total arms ripped off: 1 (watch to see whose).
• Godzilla can dance.

After capturing what they believe to be the last of the Ba’al clones, SG-1attends a Tok’ra extraction ceremony to ensure everything goes smoothly or as Major General Jack O’Neill so eloquently puts it, they “get rid of the last bad guy and then there’s cake.”

But it ain’t that easy, ’cause when Ba’al’s to the wall he doesn’t clone around. And no sooner does he warn them that the real Ba’al’s still out there, than people begin vanishing into thin air. As the city disappears around them, SG-1 gates back to Earth only to realize they’re outta time, literally. The real Ba’al has altered the timeline and SG-1 find themselves on an Earth where the Stargate was never found (again).

Unfortunately for them (and us) it’s not at all like that episode where they travel back to the 60s. Not only must they (and we) wait around months (tens of minutes) for the Goa’uld to attack and the action can begin, they spend that entire time apart, in a government witness protection program. Even when they reunite they’re quickly separated again. Unbelievable, the final mission of SG-1 and they don’t even get to be SG-1!

It’s the Gao’uld that steal the show. Nearly all the System Lords make cameos - even Qetesh! Seeing Vala as the evil goddess is just divine (and it doesn’t hurt that she’s falling outta her dress either). But again, we’re sorely lacking in the SG-1 dynamic department here. Qetash interacts with Teal’c but not all with Daniel Jackson, which would’ve been great considering their history.

It’s really hard to outright recommend Stargate: Continuum. It’s got a lot going for it like what may the the 1st curse word ever uttered in the series, some blood & gore, and a very cool fighter jet scene. On the other hand, is got Ben Bowder playing his own grandfather complete with bad accent. It’s not bad per se, it’s just not a fulfilling finish to the series.

For those without the Ba’als to illegally download it (sorry couldn’t resist), Stargate: Continuum comes out on DVD & Blu-ray July 29th. (L7world.com’s Stargate: Continuum Unofficial Trailer above)

But just like the previous Futurama movie, Bender’s Big Score, all these subplots come together brilliantly. Fry finds it difficult to share his love and ends up throwing himself through the rift where he meets Yivo, a planet-sized tentacle monster that wants your body… sexually. This unstoppable sex-machine returns to Earth and uses his tentacles to penetrate that most sensitive of spots - the cervical vertebrae. And thus with a tentacle sticking out of the back of every man & woman The Beast with a Billion Backs is born!

And like in any respectable hentai, once penetration has occurred they love it. Everyone except Leela, of course, who uses her patented style of karate & sass to make the galactic rapist see the error of his ways. Still Yivo remains undeterred, and unlike your typical tentacle monster proceeds to woo the world. Talk about a “happy-ending” But can anyone really be happy without Bender. In a word: Hell no meatbags! So it’s up to Bender to kill all the humans or save ‘em, whichever. It’s sorta like one of those old Twilight Zone episodes where you keep waiting to find out the alien’s secret evil plan, only to find out we’re the bad guys or at least our robots are. Definitely worth watching (unofficial trailer right).

But this time around Toxie must face his most fiendish foe yet… himself. While fighting the Diaper Mafia, a terrorist group that’s taken a school of mentally challenged kids hostage, Toxie is caught in the wake of a huge explosion and blown into a mirror universe where good people are evil & evil people are good (there aren’t even any sweet goatees to help tell the difference). And while Toxie searches for a way home, his evil doppleganger Noxie, The Noxious Offender, goes on a killing spree in Tromaville!

Like all Troma films Citizen Toxie is uber campy with lines like “lookout he’s armed” when Noxie rips off the police chief’s arms or a severed head lamenting that he’s used to having nobody behind him but now he’s got “no body” at all. If retards getting killed, pregnant women being used as pinatas, or fetuses fighting in the womb (L7 World fetus trailer right) is your idea of a good time you’re gonna love this movie. As shocking as it may sound, even more shocking is all the stars this movie’s got: pornstar Ron Jeremy as mayor of Tromaville, 80s idol Corey Feldman as the dirty doctor, Hostel’s Eli Roth as Beautiful Young Boy, the Sklar twins Jason & Rand of I love the 80s fame as a couple of douche bag reporters, narration by comic book legend Stan Lee, and of course needing no introduction Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf as God. Eat your heart out Citizen Kane!

Dawn’s your typical teen… well except for the fact that she suffers from a very unique medical condition known as vagina dentata, aka toothed vagina (living next to a power plant will do that). Unfortunately as a firm believer in abstinence, Dawn is blissfully unaware that anything’s wrong with her. It doesn’t help that every guy in town wants to rape her. And believe me the last thing you want is for a toothed vagina to tense up.

Between Jess Weixler’s award-winning performance as the quintessential prude and outrageous scenes like a frisky gynecologist frantically trying to pull his arm out of this vicious vagina, there’s a surprising amount of humor. However I’d have preferred them to either go all out horror or comedy, not both. Just imagine how great this could’ve been if Dawn’s vagina was a killer flower as the movie poster (falsely) suggests. Think Little Shop of Horrors: “Feed me Dawn, Feed me!” Nevertheless, Teeth gets 2 fingers… I mean, thumbs up! Check out yet another Exclusive Unofficial Trailer spliced together with some very appropriate music (video right).

Keisuke and his uncle Shotoku run the Rape agency, a sort of perverted A-team, and if you can find them and you’ve got a rape-worthy offense then maybe you can hire Rapeman. And with all the proceeds going to the Orphanage that raised Keisuke, your rape is completely tax deductible! (but not recommended)

Unfortunately for Keisuke the cases his Uncle accepts are often dubious at best (e.g. raping: a gold digger girlfriend, a boyfriend stealer, a lesbian wife, etc.) and in a setup Rapeman is up getting caught with his pants down, literally. In his quest to retrieve the incriminating photos Keisuke discovers he was but a pawn in a sinister scheme to blackmail the woman’s husband who’s running for office (oops). Now Rapeman must dispense justice the only way he knows how! (hard & fast)
 
Despite what you might think, it isn’t a porno per se. The rape scenes, of which there are few, are relatively tame and use a lot of slow motion & cut-aways (sample right minus the nudity). In fact between Keisuke’s surprising naiveté and his uncle’s antics, you’ll laugh more than anything else. Can’t recommend this one enough, but avoid the hentai version which utterly lacks the story or humor you’ll find here. There’s a total of 11 movies in the series. Unfortunately, only 1-4 are subbed & although you can find 2-4 on the internet with a little effort (emule) the quality is poor.

Note: Sadly Hiroyuki Okita, the actor who played Rapeman, hanged himself in back ‘99.