We all deal with loss in our own way. Some soldier on. Some cry. And some have rape orgies.

This month’s Final Crisis Revelations #1 opens with Doctor Light celebrating like only Doctor like can - raping the Teen Titans!

Of course they’re not the real Teen Titans, just some poor schlubs who’ll never cosplay again. Fortunately for them the Spectre appears just in time to dispense his unique brand of justice: melting Doctor Light’s body and transforming him into a candle save for his head which he ignites before literally snuffing out Light.

He may have deserved it but what a waste!

Just when Doctor Light was starting to become a major villain again, having recently recovered his mental faculties and powers after losing them thanks to a magical lobotomy courtesy of the Justice League, he dies? He’s already shown that he can go toe-to-toe with the big boys as when he took on both current and former Teen Titans simultaneously. But he never even had a chance to confront Zatanna directly, which would’ve been interesting had he done it while her and Batman were getting close.

Better yet, why not have Doctor Light discover Superman’s identity and rape Lois as revenge for letting the League mind-wipe him. We all know how even Big Blue can lose his cool when someone goes after his family and that would definitely do it. And having Supes murder Light would make for even more compelling reading than when Wonder Woman murdered Max Lord as he doesn’t have the same ability to rationalize. Instead the proverbial boy scout would probably give up superheroing altogether.

But this isn’t the fist time Doctor Light’s died so don’t throw out those chastity belts just yet ladies!

After meeting some guys at a bar, Tammi reluctantly joins her two more outgoing friends (i.e. they go all way) on their yacht. Where the boys regale them with tales of various sexual practices like scat, mushroom stamps, and of course the donkey punch. One quick toke later and the girls are engage in a high seas orgy, well everyone except Tammi and Sean (he’s the sensitive one).

Helpful hint: If a guy touting the benefits of sexual assault offers you drugs - JUST SAY NO!!!

Lisa learns this the hard way. While Josh’s dinghy runs aground his buddy records it and eggs him on, telling him to “do it!” “Do it!” “DOOO IT!!!” So he does it, and down she goes - for good (they don’t call it ‘the little death’ of nuthin’). Naturally the guys decide to cover it but instead of getting rid of the witnesses as one might expect they attempt to reason with the girls to keep their mouths shut, arguing it’s best for everyone - even the dead girl!

Frat boy logic: “You don’t want her parents to know she was a slut do ya?”

Tammi & Sean try to keep their friends under control but inevitably tempers flare. At this point you’d think they’d realize the girls aren’t gonna keep quiet but they figure so long as they destroy the incriminating video tape, it’s the girls’ word against theirs.

The rest of the movie is a utterly unsatisfying cat and mouse game. The girls try to escape. Someone dies in the process. The girls get locked up again. And repeat. There’s no urgency. Despite death all around them, both sides remain thoroughly convinced that the video tape is the key as though nobody’s ever been convicted without video of their crime. Much like the rest of the movie, it’s just unconvincing. Amazingly the trailer (video right) shows all the death scenes except one and that should tell you something, namely there’s not a whole lot here other than that one titular scene. And more importantly, we never learn did it work? (I smell a sequel)

Boy was I disappointed.  Reading this was painful. It’s kinda like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but instead of vampires, goth girl Cassie Hack hunts undead being known as Slashers (hack/slash get it?). And this time around, Cassie must bare it all in order to draw out Diaboliq, a slasher & self-styled anarchist, who thinks that the women of the web have distracted him from his grand cause (naturally they all gotta die).

Now I’ll admit I wasn’t reading this for scares, which is good cause there were none, but you’d think a slasher story with pornstars would A.) be hot & B.) be funny. It wasn’t. I’m reminded of one scene in which Cassie’s dim-witted sidekick Vlad attempts to summarize the movie Bikini Carwash for her, “Hur. And then they install a two-way mirror in the training room. Hur. Boobies and funny hijinks” To which Cassie replies, “That’s it? That doesn’t sound very funny.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Apparently no one ever taught writer Tim Seeley - SHOW, DON’T TELL! Rather than see said “boobies” & “hijinks” the characters fequently recount events (hilarity does not ensue). For instance, one the Suicide Girls explains how a rubber “object” saves her from electrocution. It could’ve been a hilariously hot scene, instead Seeley counterintuitively leaves it up to the reader to imagine it.

For a slasher story it’s severely lacking in cleavage (both kinds). And while there are nudes of Cassie, they’re only thumbnails. If you wanna see the full-sized pictures you’ll have to sign up for Suicide Girls (5 bucks a month) and then head on over to Cassie’s profile. In other words it’s basically one big advertisement.

But is anyone really surprised that a case about Lesbians resulted in a hung jury?

Dawn’s your typical teen… well except for the fact that she suffers from a very unique medical condition known as vagina dentata, aka toothed vagina (living next to a power plant will do that). Unfortunately as a firm believer in abstinence, Dawn is blissfully unaware that anything’s wrong with her. It doesn’t help that every guy in town wants to rape her. And believe me the last thing you want is for a toothed vagina to tense up.

Between Jess Weixler’s award-winning performance as the quintessential prude and outrageous scenes like a frisky gynecologist frantically trying to pull his arm out of this vicious vagina, there’s a surprising amount of humor. However I’d have preferred them to either go all out horror or comedy, not both. Just imagine how great this could’ve been if Dawn’s vagina was a killer flower as the movie poster (falsely) suggests. Think Little Shop of Horrors: “Feed me Dawn, Feed me!” Nevertheless, Teeth gets 2 fingers… I mean, thumbs up! Check out yet another Exclusive Unofficial Trailer spliced together with some very appropriate music (video right).

Beyond that the article contains little in the way of science. Instead it outright attacks men, touting this “future without men” as having no war or crime. The entire 2nd half of the article explores how great and normal lesbian couples are.

First off regardless of the truth behind the science this article is clearly written as gay propaganda. But more importantly, what if I wrote an article about the extinction of the black man and went on about how great it would be. After all, in the same way the prison population would drop if all the men died, it would also significantly drop if all the black men died.

Back to the real science, researchers at the MIT-affiliated Whitehead Institute already found that, in the six million years since humankind diverged from chimps, not a single gene has been lost. Moreover, look around. There are male animals that have been around a lot longer than us, crocodiles for instance. In other words, we ain’t going anyway haters!

Researchers at Exeter University asked 740 first-time pregnant women to provide records of their eating habits before and during the early stages of pregnancy. Those with the highest energy intakes at conception produced sons 56% of the time, but those with low energy intake had sons only 46% of the time.

Dr Fiona Mathews of the Exeter’s School of Biosciences attributes this to the evolutionary drive to produce descendants, explaining “Potentially, males of most species can father more offspring than females, but this can be strongly influenced by the size or social status of the male, with poor quality males failing to breed at all. Females, on the other hand, reproduce more consistently. If a mother has plentiful resources then it can make sense to invest in producing a son because he is likely to produce more grandchildren than would a daughter. However, in leaner times having a daughter is a safer bet.”

It just goes to show you that if you want your kids to grow up big and strong, you’d better eat your Wheaties!

It’s the Superman Kiddie ride! You literally mount Superman from the rear, and ride him as he rocks his buns of steel back & forth. Only in its heyday (circa 1950) could this monstrosity not have been considered gay, cause as we all know, gay people didn’t exist before 1977 (Village People).

If you’re the kinky type or maybe you just wanna traumatize your kids, you’re S.O.L. BarsandBooths.com sold it to Tom Cuise (I’m guessing), but you can see more disturbing pictures here: i’m a link - click me.

The couple went on 60 Minutes this week to defend their relationship, pointing to their baby as a sign of their love but failed to mention that their first child died of a heart defect.

Perhaps the public would be more sympathetic had the couple not known their relation in advance. But as Jenny explains in the interview, she actively sought out her estranged father so that her (previous) children could know their grandfather. And although they promise no more hanky-panky, when asked whether he thought knocking boots with his daughter was wrong Mr. Deaves replied, “I knew it was illegal. Of course, I knew it was illegal but you know, so what.” Hard to empathize with that. Plus, look at them! They’re not exactly irresistible. All this leads me to think they hooked up solely because they were related, outta some sick fetish. Still, I don’t really care what two consenting adults do behind closed doors (and make no mistake they’re still doing it). Were I the judge overseeing their case, I would’ve permitted their relationship so long as one (preferably both) of them was sterilized to prevent future birth defects in their children.

click here to watch the entire interview

Consequently, those with higher testosterone levels (i.e. men) tend to perform better at spatial tasks. While those with lower levels (i.e. women) tend to have better verbal skills (the better to nag you with).

Of course when it comes to measuring masculinity, counting solely on your digits just doesn’t add up. For a true measure we need to examine the brain. Luckily, there’s a simple online quiz over at BBC.co.uk (link) that’ll tell you just how manly (or girly) you are!