But now with the invention of urinal video games, women are sure to be down in the dumps. First there was the Piss-Screen, a pressure-sensitive urinal driving game designed to demostrate when one was too drunk to drive (as opposed to just the right amount). Fortunately the Belgians have 1UP’ed with these buzzkills with their Place to Pee, which is purely for entertainment purposes. These mobile bathrooms (available for rent) have adjacent urinals that allow users to go head-to-head in arcade classics like space invaders & slalom skiing.

To avoid any accusations of sexism Place to Pee does offer women cardboard cones so the can play along, but I say if god wanted women to have cones he would’ve give them to ‘em. Instead ladies, I suggest you borrow one of the guy’s joysticks cause that a game everyone wins.

Mars’ ballsy new spokesman: Mr. T wants you to “Get Some Nuts!” A new Snickers commercial (video below) shows Mr. T using his big gun to pound an effeminate speedwalker from behind with snickers bars.

But Mars pulled the ad after receiving complaints calling it gay bashing. And here I thought “the gays” enjoyed taking nuts to the face.

The truth is the commercial isn’t anti-gay, it’s pro-man. The campaign couldn’t be more clear: “Get Some Nuts” (i.e. balls). Mr T. isn’t attacking the sissy because he’s gay, he’s attacking him because he’s a sissy. There’s even a alternate version of the commercial in which Mr. T confronts a crybay who hurts himself playing soccer. And while you could legitimately argue soccer’s gay (cause it is), Mr. T doesn’t attack the whole team just the whiner.

But unlike homosexuals, Mars isn’t taking this taking this lying down! (zing) They’ve made a flash game (below) where you can play as Mr. T and coldcock pussies and bitches, by which I mean cats & dogs of course. I guess what I’m trying to say is “I pity da fool who calls Mr. T a homophobe!”

The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) is asking, and by asking I mean harassing, bars around the country to remove what may be the coolest game ever - Lobster Zone!

PETA agrues that the Lobster Zone machines, in which players maneuver a mechanical claw to grab a live lobster, turn “death and torture into a game.”

But the truth is PETA’s simply using this game to promote the lobster agenda. In fact, on their website Lobster Liberation they claim “being boiled hurts” but when it comes to offering possible alternatives PETA is reticent, saying only that they’ve “consulted with many marine biologists about the most humane way to kill a lobster. While the experts couldn’t seem to agree on which method is best, they do agree that there really is no humane way to kill these sensitive and unusual animals.”

So what’s a lobster lover to do? Well I wouldn’t worry about it. Have you ever played one of those claw games? It’s hard enough with stuffed toys, but these guys can move around. And at 2 bucks a try, by the time you ‘win’ one you probably could’ve bought a barrel of ‘em. Perhaps PETA should rethink this.

Maple Story is an Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game (MMORPG), which basically means you can be accosted by people from around the world. Luckily, there’s like 20 different channels, with most players residing on channel 1, so if anyone bothers you or you just want some me-time you can just change channel. Going solo in an MMORPG may sound like an oxymoron, but sometimes it’s necessary. Often other players will steal kills (KS) from lower level players taking with it the experience points & loot. If you want to avoid this altogether I suggest choosing either the Bowman, Wizard, or Thief class as Warrior class (me) frequently gets pwned by these long-range attackers. On the plus side (or negative) there’s no player vs. player so you won’t get killed, at least not by your peers.

Visually the game’s great. The cutesy monsters & rich environments like Aqua Road, which you swim through, work well with the 2-D style. However, other more linear areas are harder to navigate without either being forced to fight or simply getting in the way of your fellow players (lending itself to yet more KSing). And even loitering around town can get overwhelming when your character is obscured by an army AFKers.

What really stands out though is the customization of characters. Between hair styles/colors, faces, clothes, weapons, and even pets it’s rare that’ll you’ll stumble upon your identical twin. But if you really wanna stand out, it’s gonna cost ya! Special items can only be purchased at the Cash Shop with Nexon Cash that you by with real money; and many items such as clothes & pets, which start at about $5, only last 90 days. Luckily there’s a way around that! You can sell items in the Maple Trading System (MTS) for Nexon Cash. Of course, only rare items will fetch anything so it’s a choice of convenience or break-braking frugalness.

Then there’s all the little touches like special events. Currently Maple Story is celebrating its 3rd anniversary and they’ve added NPCs that will increase your stats for 1 hour every 90 minutes. You’ll also find anniversary cake monsters wandering about that are easy pickings as they don’t attack back, besides easy experience these guys drop tasty treats that’ll boost your stats even more! But you don’t have to wait 12 months to get a little TLC, events occur year-round such as on holidays or during new releases. In that spirit, I’m gonna run my own little event. The first person that finds me “DaiGazen” on the Mardia server and says the phrase that pays (Columbus was wrong!) gets to party with me. Happy Mapling!

Do you like your video games like you like your women - easy? Then boy do I gotta game for you: Chikan Densha Otoko Densetsu aka Legendary Molester Train Man!

If you can click next, you can beat this game (among other things). There’s no real strategy. You just pick a girl and go to town. When you’ve seen enough you can view the action from different angles or just finish up. Personally, I like a little more involvement in my sex (games). It would’ve been nice to have to be discreet and avoid detection or risk being arrested, but instead your fellow passengers much like the women offer no resistance. Also it’s short (approx. 1 hour) but once you’ve beaten it you can rewatch all the sex scenes and beat it again. You can find a torrent (1gb) @ Hongfire (click here or don’t). And below is the trailer for the game, which makes it look much more involved then it is.

So are women finally obsolete? Not unless theres some sorta robotic vacuum cleaner I don’t know about… oops I forgot about Roomba. Sorry ladies, don’t let the door hit you on the cellulite on the way out. I’m kidding of course, do let the door hit you.

I know what you’re thinking guys: “But Mark, I’ve invested a lotta time and money in my woman. Is this game really gonna rock my virtual world?” In a word: you bet your sweet pussy whipped ass it will! And here’s why. This go around Artificial Girl allows you to employ up to 5 girls simultaneously! That means no matter where you wander in the game there’s bound to be some action nearby. And like all games in the series, anytime a girl is within earshot all you gotta do is yell and they’ll come running (except when sleeping, eating, or using the bathroom) can you say the same about your woman?

As for taking your relationship to the next level, i.e. the horizontal level, it’s as easy or hard as you wanna make it. In creating your pleasure bot you can choose from over 20 character traits, from good at cooking to good at hiding the salami, or if you like a challenge make her a virgin or the jealous type. Unlike life, it’s up to you!

Now for the bad news. It’s a Japanese game. This can be a problem if you don’t speak Japanese like me. But fear not fellow sex fiends! The internet is a wondrous and magical type place. Our friends at Hongfire.com have a simple forum thread that includes: the game (about 4 Gb) , translation patch (which translates everything but the audio), an uncensor patch, and a walkthrough guide [just make sure you enable Japanese in your computer's regional settings before trying to install it].

Still not sold? Take a gander at this handy dandy promo (video right) . Warning it ain’t PG-13. The girls look fantastic but you may notice the guy you play as is very nondescript but that’s ok. Frankly the guy’s superfluous. In fact, you can toggle him in and out of the game for a 1st person perspective. Better yet you take out the guy while leaving in his bits & pieces. Disembodied penises chasing inflatable women? Sold.

 
There’s even little problems with game design like in the menus. In modern gaming one expects that when you scroll through the options and get to the bottom that if you hit the down button again it’ll scroll back to the top of the menu options rather than hit up over and over. Not so in Star Trek: Conquest. Last but not least are story errors like giving the Federation the option of using the Genesis weapon. For those of you who haven’t seen Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (shame on you), the whole point of the Genesis project is that it was too dangerous as a terraforming tool because of its destructive capabilities. So why is it in the Federation’s arsenal, is this the Mirror Universe? If it were I might give Star Trek: Conquest a better score. STAR TREK: CONQUEST - On a scale of warp 1-10 gets an 1/4 Impulse speed
 

It took nearly 20 years but the Ghostbusters franchise finally gets a sequel in ‘08 - starring YOU as the 5th Ghostbuster! Sierra games has licensed the title for a new Ghostbusters game on PC, PlayStation 3, and XBOX 360. While Wii, PlayStation 2, and DS owners will have have to settle for a ‘casual gamers’ version. The game takes place in a ghastly era known as the 90s. And you play as the team’s newest recruit as they defend New York City from its greatest threat yet, no not islamofacists, ghosts (lots of ‘em).

Judging by the gameplay (video right) this game’s is gonna be spooktacular, it even features the likenesses and voices of the original cast! And with any luck a successful game will lead to an actual Ghostbusters sequel.

Post Postscript: I just hope Giuliani won’t take the credit.