Hulk vs.

Hulk Vs. is a fanboy’s dream: light on story, heavy on “Hulk smash.” It retells two classic brawlfests: Hulk VS Wolverine and Hulk VS Thor (sorry no Hulk VS Superman).

In the first featurette Wolverine is drafted by Department H to stop a rampaging Hulk. Rampaging because Weapon X is trying to recruit him and they don’t take no for an answer. Of course Wolverine doesn’t realize this until after he makes Bruce Banner angry, and we all know you don’t wanna make him angry.

Luckily for Wolverine’s skull their fight is interrupted by Weapon X: Sabretooth, Omega Red, Lady Deathstrike, and Deadpool… yep Deadpool! It’s the first time Deadpool has ever been animated, but hopefully it won’t be the last. For those who don’t know, Deadpool’s a merc with a mouth (read: he makes Spider-Man seem tight-lipped). Check out this behind the scenes clip from the special two-disc edition with voice actor Nolan North explaining what it’s like being Deadpool (video right).

Fortunately, when Weapon X captures them, the Hulk decides to let bygones be bygones and teams up with Wolverine… yeah right. The rest of the movie consists of the Hulk beating up… well, everyone.

Lady DeathstrikeBut Hulk VS Wolverine isn’t just mindless violence – there’s sex too… well sexual innuendo at least.

No one hates Wolverine more than Lady Deathstrike. After all, he took her honor (no, not that “honor”).

When she finally gets her claws into him, her face says it all (click the picture to see video). Pursed lips, shallow breathing, eyes rolling back into her head, it only lasts for a couple of seconds but sometimes that all you need. Besides, if it was any longer there’d be a lot of angry moms out there. And believe me, you wouldn’t like them when they’re angry (that’s right I used that joke 2x, who are you the joke police? And yes I am talking to myself. Is it any wonder I love Deadpool. But I digress.).

Hulk VS WolverineThe fanservice doesn’t stop there.

If there’s one thing geeks like if references to stuff that only geeks would know, and there’s plenty of that. For you comic veterans there’s a homage to Todd McFarlane’s The Incredible Hulk #340 cover, in which we see Hulk’s reflection in Wolverine’s claws (picture right). There’s also a scene where Wolverine drinks from a lake alongside a wolf that was based on Joe Quesada’s Wolverine: Origins #1 cover, for you young whippersnappers. You’ve even got some sweet flashbacks that show Wolverine in his Weapon X getup. Sex, violence, and flashbacks. What’s not to like?

Hulk VS Thor is a whole nother story (literally and figuratively).

Hulk VS Bruce BannerWhen Thor picks Sif as his lover, Amora becomes jealous and decides to get revenge by helping Thor’s evil stepbrother Loki. They capture Bruce Banner and separate him from the Hulk so that they can control the only mortal to ever best Thor (Hulk, not Bruce).

[spoilers follow]

What follows is the most one-sided fight in the history of Asgard or Midgard. And when Loki inevitably loses control of the Hulk, whatever chance Thor stood is gone. Thor cries out like a girl, “Owww…” as the Hulk slaps his hammer out of this hand (no joke).

Now there’s only one way to stop the Hulk – Banner. Too bad he doesn’t want to go back. Unfortunately, Loki killed Banner after he basically tells him ‘told ya so,’ and Bruce is sent to his own personal Heaven where he lives happily with Betty and a son.

But it just doesn’t make sense that Banner is willing to sacrifice Asgard. He’s realizes it’s not real and he’s there for less then a minute before Thor pulls him out to stop the Hulk. Granted the movie’s only 44 minutes but we should see his time in Heaven spread out to at least suggest the passage of time. Otherwise it has no real significance when taken away.

And when they do rejoin it’s just so anti-climatic. The Hulk offers no resistance. Why not have a battle of wits (short as it might be).

Another thing I found strange (besides the incredible expanding/shrinking purple pants) is that when Amora magically pulls Bruce out of the Hulk’s chest, he’s wearing the same (undamaged) clothes he was before he transformed. I suppose you could claim Amora magically recreated his clothes but I ain’t buying it, bub.

There are some fun scenes like when the Hulk beats up ghosts (let’s see Superman do that). But much like the Thor comics, Hulk VS Thor was fail, verily.