Black Lantern Mrs. SupermanBlackest Night is finally here and with it the return of long dead characters as zombies! But it’s not the adversaries of the past that you need to worry about, it’s the loves lost. That’s because unlike traditional zombies, Black Lanterns want your heart not your brains.

Perhaps the most earth-shattering zombie will be revealed in Blackest Night: Superman #2. September’s solicitations proclaim, “Superman’s dead bride returns as a Black Lantern!” Naturally your first thoughts are of Lois Lane, but the wording leaves doubts. Dead bride? Even in the almost timeless world of comics, Lois & Clark have been married for many years so if it was her shouldn’t it be dead wife?

Assuming this isn’t just another instance of solicitation skullduggery, might Superman’s dead bride be Lyla Lerrol? Lyla was a Kryptonian movie star that Superman fell in love with after time traveling to Krypton way back in Superman #141 (read here). The day before they were to be married Superman returned to his own time, leaving Lyla to die with the rest of Krypton. The condition of her remains shouldn’t be problem. After all, becoming a Black Lantern wasn’t a problem for Firestorm who exploded or Dr. Light who was magically transformed into a candle! And as for any Pre-Crisis concerns leave that to the recently resurrected Psycho Pirate and his power to manifest anyone throughout the Multiverse.

Black Lantern Terra & Beast Boy (necrophilia + bestiality)If you think necrophilia is bad just wait until Black Lantern Terra rocks Beast Boy’s world in Blackest Night: Titans #1. I hear he likes to do it doggy style. It just doesn’t get more wrong than that… unless, wait how old is this former T-E-E-N Titan again?

But it’s not all about sex. Dick will have a hard time not blowing his top when his parents return for an encore as the Black Lantern Flying Graysons in Blackest Night: Batman #1. And Tim’s daddy issues will be compounded when Jack Drake comes back to life in the following issue. Expect him to lay a major guilt trip on Tim “Wayne” for replacing him.

It seems the only member of the Bat family not being resurrected is Bats himself. Despite being dug up in Blackest Night #1, Batman never makes an appearance save for his skull which Black Hand gleefully carries around with him. And although there’s a new toy out that depicts this disgusting duo, there’s no actual Black Lantern Batman toy (as far as we know) which supports my theory that Batman will not become a Black Lantern.

That’s because many of the Black Lanterns can’t return permanently (i.e., alive). They are superfluous to current storylines having been replaced by other heroes or worse yet their return would be detrimental to backstories of tragic losses that have helped shaped our heroes. We can argue which are which, but at the end of the day it’s a package deal. Either they will A-L-L be given new life (unlikely) or collectively laid to rest.

Don’t get me wrong. Batman will be back, just not this way. Killing him twice in a year wouldn’t just be cruel, it would be lame. If Batman does return expect him to be alive and face off against his own zombie parents.

Sadly there’s no sign of the sexiest Brainiac to date: Indigo. DC has no excuse not to bring her back since before she died Shift (Metamorpho) transformed her from metal to flesh. And frankly that was last time he was actually interesting. Since losing Indigo, Metamorpho has transformed himself into a whimsical one-dimensional character and one Plastic Man is enough!