Pay no attention to the man pulling the string.

Red Eye w/Greg Gutfeld has retired its longest running segment: Pinch, a snooty sounding anthropomorphic newspaper that parodies the New York Times. Pinch has been a regular on the show along with his intern Porch, a pint-sized version of himself. However, they recently disappeared much to the delight of guest host Andy Levy, who gleefully announced “pinch is dead.”

There was no explanation of what happened but there was a clue as to who was responsible. “Pinch is no longer here. How did that happen? Oh well, I had nothing to do with that,” said host Greg Gutfeld with a wink.

Bill Schulz, who voices and operates Pinch and Porch, is choosing to looking on the bright side. “Glass half full: I don’t have to come up with timesy things for pinch to say anymore,” he tweeted.

If I were Schulz, who himself is a running gag on the show, I would very be worried about my job right now. Red Eye has been systematically sanitized ever since Gutfeld went legit as a co-host of The Five.

To paraphrase Martin Niemöller:

First they came for the houseboys,
and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a houseboy.

Then they came for the unicorns,
and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a unicorn.

Then they came for the anthropomorphic newspapers,
and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a anthropomorphic newspaper.

Then they came for Bill Schulz,
and there was no one left who cared.

Pinch gets fan mail.

Andy gleefully announces that Pinch is dead during introduction.

Greg hints culpability in the demise of the newspaper.

More retired segments:

Greg’s houseboys

Greg’s unicorn obsession

“Male Time” – sexy viewer mail segement

Matthew McConaughey correspondaughey