SpongeBob SquarePants is the latest children’s cartoon to get the “Scientifically Accurate” treatment courtesy of Animation Domination High-Def.
The cute, cartoony Painty the Pirate who sings the theme song has been replaced with Abduwali Muse, the real-life Somali pirate portrayed by Barkhad Abdi in Captain Phillips. The uncharacteristically jolly pirate sings a sobering song about the show’s loveable cartoon character. He explains that sponges are brainless, motionless, hermaphrodites that ejaculate sperm all over the sea, which is why crabs are crusty. As for his ocean friends they’re all carnivores. In fact, starfish eat sponges. And the quaintly named Bikini Bottom was a nuclear testing ground, which is why Squidward only has six legs instead of eight.