Los Angeles Clippers’ owner Donald Sterling has been silent after his racist rant ordering his black girlfriend, V. Stiviano, not to publicly associate with black people. Sterling (Bobby Moynihan) broke his silence on this week’s Saturday Night Live cold open.
“This whole week has been such a terrible ordeal for so many people but let’s just focus on the real victim: me,” said Sterling. “My reputation has gotten a real black eye, which we all know is the worst kind of eye.”
He agreed to sell the basketball team for a hefty $1 billion but pointed out that after the NBA fine it’s only $998 million. Sterling even said he would use some of that money to for a Million Man cruise… back to Africa. To prove that he’s changed he brought out black people to vouch for him if only by looking worse in comparison.
A new gold digger girlfriend (Nasim Pedrad) said she doesn’t care what other people think as demonstrated by her willingness to have sex with what feels like a leather tent collapsing on her.
Former NBA star Dennis Rodman (Jay Pharoah) said Sterling is one of the greatest men he’s ever known, right up there with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un. Sterling slid away when Rodman tried to touch him with his black hand (the worst kind).
NAACP President Leon Jenkins (Kenan Thompson) awarded Sterling a second lifetime achievement award after receiving another donation for $10 million. He made no attempt to sugarcoat his motives. “Come on, $10 million,” Jenkins endlessly repeated. “Come on.”