Christ returns in the Family Guy Christmas episode “The 2000-Year-Old Virgin.” Peter Griffin (Seth MacFarlane) runs into Jesus (Alec Sulkin) at the mall and offers to throw him a birthday party. He asks him about his taste in women but Jesus reveals he’s a virgin!
“In high school, my best friend was this hot prostitute and I just kinda got into the friend zone,” he explains in an apparent reference to Mary Magdalene. “She’s all like ‘Oh, there’s all these guys having sex with me for money.’ And I’m all like ‘Oh, you deserve better.’ And then I died.”
Peter vows to help the Lord get laid. Jesus tries speed dating but can’t make a connection. Lois (Alex Borstein) tells Jesus to just be himself, which is second best piece of advice he’s ever gotten. The first was to go by Jesus H. Christ instead of his full name Jesus Hitler Christ. The Savior decides he wants to lose his virginity to Lois.
“What!?” Peter exclaims. “I am outraged but probably not as outraged as the 10 million Christians watching. Please write to this address quickly. Maybe we can both stop these Hollywood Jew writers from wrecking my marriage and your religion.”
It’s obviously a fake address. Everyone knows the Jew writers live in Beverly Hills.
Peter agrees to let him sleep with his wife in exchange for a $3,000 Brookstone massage chair but he later regrets the decision when he imagines them together while relaxing on the chair. His doubts are confirmed when several other husbands reveal Jesus pretends to be a virgin for pity sex on his birthday. Peter rushes to their hotel room on a sled after giving his car to another man trying to stop his daughter from having sex with Lenny Kravitz.
“I think I had like a Christmas miracle,” Peter tells Lois. “I realized I don’t want other people humping my wife for a chair.”
Lois tells him she didn’t go through with it but Peter is still angry with Jesus for lying to him. Jesus convinces the couple that it was all a test and they passed. Peter thanks him for a “well taught” lesson about appreciating your loved ones and resisting temptation.
“Yeah, I guess,” Jesus says as he goes home alone. “Who cares. I’m not even real. Merry Christmas.”
At least one person gets lucky on Christmas. Stewie (MacFarlane) is disappointed when he unwraps his Christmas gift from his stuffed teddy bear Rupert. He expects a necklace and instead finds a music CD. Stewie cries and wonders who Rupert bought the necklace for. The scene cuts to Mayor Adam West dressed in drag as he puts on the jewelry.
“I’m gonna let that teddy bear go all the way,” West says to himself in the mirror.
Family Guy “The 2000-Year-Old Virgin” encore Dec 21, Sunday 9PM on Fox.
