Radeo, Rigel, & Marianne hit the sack.

SuicideGirls: Guide to Living is the newest movie from SuicideGirls.com, an adult website dedicated to pierced, tattooed, and all-around unconventional models.

Hostesses Rambo, Rigel, Radeo, Friskey, and Chloe promise to “teach you 13 essential life lessons” ranging from How to Tie a Tie to How to Kill a Vampire.

But instead of a series of long-winded instructions that would put you to sleep, each how-to is presented like a music video and there’s not a bad song among them. Normally that would mean a lot of online research in order to track down your favorite songs. Fortunately, the bands are conveniently listed in order played along with a sample during the credits.

Sexy AND fun.

Contrary to what you might think, it’s not just for guys. While it’s certainly sexual, it’s never vulgar. It’s shot in a very tasteful manner. Not surprising considering most of the film crew is female. There’s even a bonus how-to where Rigel explains the process of becoming a Suicide Girl. Obviously the most important step is being a girl.

In between each how-to video is a profile interview, done naked of course. Ironically, the consensus seems to be that they don’t like talking about their tattoos, particularly Chloe. She starts off the interview with the caveat “I’m gonna sound like a total dick.” Then proceeds to berate anyone who has ever dared to: look at, comment on, or ask a question about her tats.

Maybe it was Chloe’s attitude that soured me but How to do a Strip Tease was a lesson in what not to do. In fact, the whole time I wishing her big head would stop blocking my view of Vice, who does a better job of being sexy just sitting there. The only thing that made it watchable is the music of the British band The Lost Levels, who as their name suggests have an old school videogame beat mixed into their songs.

Some of the segments were shot at different times so you can also watch the progression of the girls. For instance during Radeo’s interview she eagerly talks about getting a rather clever neck tattoo of a king and queen bee sharing a honeycomb heart, inspired by the Johnny Cash lyrics “The taste of love is sweet when hearts like ours meet.” Later we find out Radeo has a new “most painful tattoo” as she shows off the finished ink.

How to Win a Pillow Fight features 3 of the hottest Suicide Girls: Rigel, Marianne, and Radeo (despite of those god awful stars over her nipples). It starts off innocently to the lighthearted music of The Voluntary Butler Scheme, every line of which feels like it’s part of a chorus especially when it’s echoed by backup singers. It’s sets perfect atmosphere for a little horseplay.

Besides the basics like tag teaming your least favorite friend, you’ll learn sneaky techniques such as distracting your opponents by taking your clothes off or better yet taking off theirs! And as long as your naked, you might as well put on a little show. Each girl gets some private bedtime but Marianne’s solo is the longest, and rightfully so. She turns and looks directly into the camera then gives the cutest smile. The next second she’s lying back rolling around in bed but still giving you the occasional smirk. I don’t know whether I want to hug it or hit it, and before I can decide the music cranks up and feathers start flying. But it’s not personal and the girls make up by spooning in bed!

Who better to teach the last lesson How to Get Girls to go Skinny Dipping than Suicide Girls resident hippie chick. Opaque is a (natural) redhead with dreadlocks that convinces her fellow Suicide Girls to get wet, after a little alcohol and stealing their bathing suits that is. Fittingly the skinny dipping is accompanied by some vibrant party music appropriately called “Cool Town Rock” by Holy Hail. It’s got the same feel of Black Eyed Peas’ “I Gotta Feeling” without being completely overplayed but make no mistake, once you hear it you’ll find it hard not to rewind it a few times.

Below you can watch small-sized samples (NSFW) of nearly the entire movie, but to fully appreciate these girls you’ll need to buy the DVD.

And not included in the samples are: How to Cast a Love Spell taught by Fractal (imagine a Gothic Sarah Michelle Gellar) to the equally dark music “Chateau” by The Brute Chorus myspace.com/thebrutechorus & How to kill a Vampire with Lee, Casino, Clio, Evette, Friskey, and Lyxzen (perhaps the first vampire with braces) set to “Mercenary” by Pigface myspace.com/officialpigface.

I’ve also included some of these bands’ actual music videos (SFW), which have somehow managed to go virtually unnoticed on youtube including the very catchy “Click Click Bang Bang” by Miss Derringer. Who even knew goth country was a genre!?

UPDATE:
The Suicide Girls website has uploaded the 2 missing videos: How to Cast a Love Spell & How to kill a Vampire (embedded below). Unfortunately Lyxzen has made her bio private, hopefully not a trend.

Suicide Girl: Fractal
How to Cast a Love Spell
Music: “Chateau” by The Brute Chorus myspace.com/thebrutechorus

Sucide Girl: Lee
How to Kill a Vampire
Music: “Mercenary” by Pigface myspace.com/officialpigface

Suicide Girl: Chloe
Chloe’s Tattoo’s

Suicide Girl: Chloe, Vice
How to do a Strip Tease
Music: “Never the First” by The Lost Levels myspace.com/thelostlevels

Suicide Girl: Bambu
Bambu’s Tattoo’s

Suicide Girl: Lyxzen
Lyxzen’s Tattoo’s

Suicide Girls: James, Rambo, Posh, Zoli, Bambu
How to do the Sun Salutation
Music: “The Signifier” by The Rice Twins myspace.com/ricetwins

Suicide Girl: Posh, Nya, and Zoli
How to prepare Absinthe
Music: “TDK90″ by Ten City Nation tencitynation.com

Suicide Girl: Kiefer
How to Roll a Joint
Music: “Bulldozer” by Goldishack Guerrillas myspace.com/goldishack

Suicide Girl: Ajilee
How to Fake an Orgasm
Music: “Evil Twin” by City Project myspace.com/citylightproject

Suicide Girl: Evette, Amina, Blaze, JoLeigh, Bunni
Start Your own Fight Club
Music: “I Feel Physical” by Thavius Beck myspace.com/thavius

Suicide Girl: Rambo
How to Ditch Your Wedding
Music: “What do we do Now?” by Save Our Souls (Chiba-Ken) myspace.com/chibaken

Soya
How to Tie a Tie
Music: “She’s Got it” by The A.K.A.s myspace.com/theakas

Suicide Girl: Sash
How to Cure a Hangover
Music: “The Temptress” by The Flies myspace.com/thefliesmusic

Suicide Girl: Rigel, Radeo, Marianne
How to Win a Pillow Fight
Music: “Multiplayer” by the Voluntary Butler Scheme myspace.com/thevoluntarybutlerscheme
“Lend me Your Face” by Fight Like Apes fightlikeapesmusic.com

Suicide Girl: Opaque
How to Get Girls to go Skinny Dipping
Music: “Cool Town Rock” by Holy Hail myspace.com/holyhail
“The Telescope” by Her Space Holiday myspace.com/herspaceholiday